Procrastinators! Unite!..... Later!

I SHOULD be doing my policy analysis... and my community action plan.... and finishing my learning folio (did i mention it's over 50 pages by now and i can't afford to print it off??) buuuuuut Livejournal calls my name.

Andrew woke me up during the night coz i was singing in my sleep hahaha random... 

Im poor for the next 5 days :'( 

I haven't washed my hair since Saturday and it's getting prety mankey... like when you take your hair out of the ponytail and it still stays in place *shudder* but rther than wash it i simply avoid touching it so i don't have to admit how feral i'm being

Applied for 3 properties this week.... haven't heard back just yet. (don't call us, we'll call you) 

My jaw hurts from chewing my way through an entire pack of gum on friday night. Dammit my mind is throwing social policy info at me while im trying to procrastinate....damn brain working. My legs are starting to heal... and like the dickhead i am it makes me want to cut them again... coz if i heal it means i haven't cut in a while, which in turn means im not fucked up enough... gah going to stop that train of thought now

Um.... not much else to discuss.... except that i found a dress that i must *must* have and i don't have any money so im tempted to ask mummy....but that would piss Andrew off. but it is pretty..........

Ok i've been shicking with my updates... This is weird. I can't sleep and im sitting at the computer chair in my undies and a t-shirt so if my brother comes out im screwed coz he'll see my legs in all the SI glory.

What's new... well IM FINALLY GOING HOME!! i leave the 'ville on friday and will be home in newcastle in the late hours of the night.. in my boys arms - most likely falling asleep. Im not sure how well my plans are going to work, because i've got an exam from 1-3 and i need to be at the aorport by 4..... pfft i'll be right - i hope. 

Im so damn sick... i thought the reason i was still sick on sunday/monday was because i must have just been really really hungover, but it turns out i actually was sick... im not exactly sure what it is because i saw a doctor at a free clinic on asaturday (i know i shouldn't have waited that long)- they just gave me the drugs and shuffled me out. All i know is that i haven't been able to talk since thursday, and my glands are the size of tennis balls... and im coughing up the most revolting coloured phlegm on a far too basis... The medication im on to fight the infection gives me a rash and makes me queazy too - so it's been hell fun, Oh and whil i've been sick i've had to finish assignments and study for this damn exam. Oh and im on a D average for my group work subject, and im on credits and passes for everything else, so im damn pleased with myself... This semester has been really hard so im glad to just be passing but a D average for a subject where the lecturer's never been a big fan of me... Im so not complaining.

Mum's spent the last 10 ish days in brisbane because grandad's on his deathbed.. the doctors don't think he'll live to see christmas. I think im ready because i've been slowly watching him deteriorate and succumb to the cancer and alzhiemers.. i just think of the good times... he had an amazing life, and did so much stuff. Im dont feel like talking about it, im not really wanting to be all sooky and whatever. I just feel sorry for mum because she wants to help but there's nothing that can be done anymore... Plus she has to deal with my grandma which is an unenviable chore on a good day.

This week has been bad food-wise... i've been comfort eating (which is ironic because it hurts to swallow) coz im just stressed about everythig - uni, my body, my health, grandad, mum, my brothers incessant drug use... etc etc and not neccessarily in that order. And due to the fact that im lucky to crawl out of bed to the computer desk - i've also not gotten to the excercise bike in over a week - and i feel revolting. I've decided that im going to try and just be more active when i get back to Newcastle... im going to try and make andrew walk with me every night... maybe out at the beach where it's nice and the view distracts you from the excercise. I also want to work on toning... my arms and legs especially... it;s funny the majority of my excercise focuses on my legs (walking, jogging, cycling, etc) and yet my thighs are my worst feature... that and my tummy. My tummy's pretty bad and i can't even drink a glass of water without ending up with a budda belly :( .

Andrew and i are looking at moving into our own place really soon which is exciting, because im sick of feeling like im trapped in an episode of "everybody loves raymond" where im Debra and Andrews mum is Marie... I shold stop getting myself so worked up about it but i just can't hey... im so angry that she says things to andrew behind my back... it's really the lowest thing a person can do - saying negative things about their kid's partner to their kid... I mean did she really think he wouldn't say something to me, she obviously thinks that we're on fragile ground but oh she is sooo wrong... Andrew and i haven never been better really, (well i think so anyway) i mean the distance sucks big hairy balls... but it forces us to communicate more verbally, because you can't rely on body language. You can't just give him 'the eye' and that's the signal that you want or need something .... we've had some really good 'discussions' these past few months... discussions we needed to have, not necessarily easy ones but defintely important ones. I reckon we're in a better plave now as a couple than we were when i left Newcastle. I mean i hated being away from him, but it also made me appreciate having him around more :) (corny corny blah blah whatever you just jealous :P)

Anyway...i just needed to blabber on a bit. Nothong really cut-throat important that i needed to say but im glad i said it. 
Hope everyone is healthy and happy.

Love lots
Ashlee xoxo

Ok Ok i know... I've been MIA for like, ever. :P

I've just finished my intensive courses at uni - and im mentally fucked. The worst situation ever for me, a self-inflicting, eating disordered control freak in a room full of social work students. Can anybody say irony??

Tje first course was Advanced Group Work - we were put into groups of 5 and given the task of creating a group program for a community (our's was a men's peer support group for men who had little to no contact with their children) and we had to present it to the whole workshop class (roughly 60 people) for an hour, then for the next hour of the presentation (so this was a 2 hour presentation that we had only 5 days to prepare) we had to present an analysis of our group processes in getting the task done. So everyone was being extremely concious of their action, behaviours, language choices, body language etc because we all knew we'd have to talk about how we worked together as a group. OMG talk about fucking stressful, normally in work groups for uni you get in and get the task done, do what you need to do and you normally don't give a fuck about everyone else coz you just want to do well. In this group you had to think so much about everything you did, because you were aware of your impact on the group 'process'. holy fucking god by the time we presented to the class i think we were all so emotionally, physically, intellectually and mentally drained.

And then we had to attend another intensive course Socioenvironmentalism and Community Work, and we didn't get a break between the two courses which is not cool hey. And halfway through this course we found out about the Full Moon Party over on Maggie Island so of course being starved for fun we just HAD to go haha. Best night ever, drug fucked and alcohol fuelled, tourists from every corner of the earth and four uni mates who needed to have a fuckload of fun haha what a combination!!
So high on ecstacy, gut full of vodka (no food in over 4 days) and a raging party in front of me, i was living it up. Running amok, i ran intoa  guy i graduated with, who i'd hated in high school but who acted all cut when i told him i had a boyfriend. I also adopted a beautiful german girl who seriously made me look like casper in comparison to her awesome tan haha. Then i adopted a med student who was almost as high as me haha good times, heaps of deep and meaningful conversations with random people haha. 
anyway - photos next time i post i couldn't be fucked now :P

Im so upset right now. So fucking hurt.

Andrew and i had a 'talk' about some of the issues in our relationship, and one of those issues was his mother. It was really, really hard to try and portray my feelings properly. it's bascially been that ever since i read his journal and found out that his mother had been talking about me, saying things about how much i do for andrew and how im ungrateful, i just can't be at ease around her. Andrew was saying that for a while he thought 'everyone' (thats the exact word he used) might be right and thats why he kept a 'tally' of what i did for him and what he did for me, and he said that lately, he feels like everything's been fifty-fifty and he's happy with how things are... but the way things are right now are only like that because i read his journal and was really upset to think that his mother thought i wasn't doing as much for andrew as he was doing for me- so i decided to go over the top, i did EVERYTHING like cleaning up after meals i didn't eat, doing andrew's laundry and ironing, making dinner every night, and then cleaning up after it, made the bed every day... so he's happy with how everything is right now, but im not because im only doing so much because i feel like im being judged by his whole family. But of course i didnt say that (i dont fucking know why because it was supposed to be one of those 'get everything off your chest' talks). 
But then i decided to let it go... telling myself that we'll be moving out soon and i will only be cleaning up after me and andrew and not his mum as well. 

But then something was eating away at me. Andrew said 'everyone' was saying that i wasn't being as good to him as he was too me (which is none of anyone's business because they don't see every minute of every day)  - So i know when he said 'everyone it was an exageration, but it means that it wasn't just his mum saying it. So im thinking "who's saying things about me behind my back, who's putting ideas into his head?"  I know his mum and his sister would, because they don't really like me to start with, it would make sense that they'd pounce on the first thing they saw as being a reason that andrew shouldn't be with me. So i asked him if he could tell me who else had said it.

He wouldn't tell me... said it would only make things worse. Im sorry but i want to know who is saying these things about me, because im really upset that they would say it often enough for him to design a scoresheet to see who did more.  And i would rather know who i can and can't trust to let my guard down with, than just think that everyone is out to get me. He wou;dn't fucking tell me - he is choosing to protect people who would say these things about me rather than just let me know.  Do you understand how that might make me feel?? he's CHOOSING to protect these people... over me. It's not like im going to go off my nut and scream and yell and cry at the people who said it. it's purely just to put my mind at ease, coz unless i know who it was, im just gonna have to assume that everyone thinks im a bad girlfriend.  So that makes me think a number of things... Maybe i should stay in townsville, break up with him because i can't handle the pressure of being so disliked by his friends and family, or i could go back with him, but never want to see any of his friends and family because i don't want to risk slipping up and giving anyone any extra ammunition against me, Or i could go back, and confront everybody, but that would only give them more reason to whisper in his ear.... and im also worried, he's been seeing a lot of his friends and now that im paranoid that they all hate me im starting to worry that the reason he hardly saw them before was because they didn't want me there too, or maybe they thought that because im up here in townsville it would be a good oppurtunity to get him to break up with me.

Im just so upset right now i don't even like typing about it, im crying now because im just so angry. I try so hard in our relationship because im terrified of losing andrew, and to know that everyone around his would rather point out my flaws is really upsetting - because he obviously listens, or i wouldn't have found that journal entry with his little scorecard... They dont even fucking know me, they just assume everything, they don't know what goes on behind closed doors and they have no right to know,  just like they have no fucking right to say these things about me...

Im really so suicidal right now that im scared to go into my bedroom because my blades are in there.

Well i'm feeling very very accomplished, i haven't slept since monday, i've excercised twice a day since sunday and i've only eaten roughly 300 cals a day :D oh and i finished 4 major assesments in the space of two weeks. The last one i finished was today, it was my favourite, an essay about applied social policy and the power that 'on the ground' social workers have in the policy process - cool huh? no... well it is to me :D

I've just been so bleugh lately, i hate townsville and i want to go home.  Meh i promised Ange i'd post this doo-dad survey so here it is.

if you're reading this, fill this out please :D

1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Fish?
5. Do you dream in color?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. Hipsters or Hillbillies?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like musicals?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat ?
16. What are you wearing?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. What's your favorite day of the week?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
28. where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Have I ever mentioned.....


I'm a FUCKING IDIOT?


Yeah? oh ok.... never mind then

Oi, 
So i've been a member of a community (

_realthin